Why I Hate Texas

They’re right. This is totally Texas in a nutshell. Exhibit A for why I hate Texas. I have a problem with being told that I have to trust in their god. If I don’t trust in their god or accept their god as my god, I should leave.

This sign is 100% political posing. Christmas is a secular holiday, it is the requirement of the holiday being named Christmas and being placed on the calendar of a country that does not have an official religion. There is no controversy about the name of the holiday so it isn’t politically correct or incorrect to call it anything other than what the name of the holiday is. Don’t like it? Tough. That’s the way it is. That is the way that law works. The way that law is supposed to work, anyway. This is why there aren’t nativity scenes on public property unless there’s going to be every other kind of religious symbolism invited to sit right alongside it. The holiday isn’t about Jesus even though it’s named for the Catholic celebration of Christ’s birth. Christmas is officially the name of the secular solstice holiday in the United States and so call it Christmas and then explain it to the Trumpists as many times as it takes until it sinks in.

However, Texas is Trumpist land, which is why I hate Texas even though I still live here. Trumpists as a rule are prosperity gospel Christianists. They want us all to worship their capitalist god, even though that god can’t be the god that Jesus was talking about.

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

Matthew 19:24

If your imaginary friend (this guy you call god that rewards you with wealth for proper christian living) is not only invited to this party but is going to be put in charge of it; then I’d like to introduce you to my friend, the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). The FSM doesn’t have a problem with anybody, not even you. The FSM doesn’t need to be worshiped or even acknowledged. The FSM doesn’t have a Hell because everyone gets to go to his heaven that is stocked with beer volcanos and robot hookers at your beck and call. The FSM would like to be in charge though, if it’s all the same to you. So let’s pit our two imaginary friends against each other and see which one of them recruits more followers. I’m betting it’s going to be the one offering free beer and hookers.

spaghettimonster.org/about

The national motto is “e pluribus unum” and not “in god we trust.” Why? Because the United States is a secular country. You can try and destroy our country, Trumpists, and make it into the country you think it should be, a Christian nation, but you will do it over the dead bodies of the majority of your countrymen. You should think about the odds of that effort being successful before heading any further down this road.

You don’t salute your flag, you walk all over it:

Trumpists don’t support the troops unless they are protecting other Trumpists, and then only as long as it doesn’t personally cost them anything to be respectful. If respecting means paying for their medical bills or helping them deal with mental health crisis or making sure that they have a place to sleep and food to eat, then Trumpists will pretend those troops weren’t the right kind of troops and so don’t have to be respected.

How do I know that the sign hanger was a Trumpist? No one but a Trumpist would think this stupid sign would mean anything in the first place. I’m owning the libs. Sure you are. Keep talking buddy.

Reality Challenged

I have a cold. I also have a sinus infection that makes my sinuses feel like they are on fire along with the throat that they are draining down (yuck) My intention to never catch anything communicable again foiled by the need for some people in this household to go out and work and interact with other, sometimes reality-denying, human beings. Some of those people are plague carriers because they deny the reality of communicable diseases and pretend to not be sick just so they can infect other people while doing their jobs.

I’ve been taking Xanax to keep the vertigo to a minimum. A lovely side effect of the stress of being ill is the Meniere’s symptoms that flair up along with everything else that gets inflamed when you are ill. Gotta love those chronic illnesses.

The person who ventures forth from our cave of solitude brought the infection back to the house with them and gave it to their parents, the immuno-compromised mother and father who stupidly didn’t alienate their own children for the sole purpose of making sure they moved out when they became adults. May our suffering be educational for all the other parents out there who think that loving your children unconditionally and wanting to see them happy above any other concerns, doesn’t have consequences. If you don’t want permanent roommates, piss your kids off every now and then and make them remember how much they hate you on a regular basis. May you enjoy your communicable diseaseless solitude if you are successful in this endeavor.

On that note, I’d like to mention at this point that I don’t do performative vocalizations. Not willingly. Performative vocalizations? Things like saying “fine” in response to inquiries about how you feel that day. You ask me a question, nine times out of ten you will get a thoughtful answer that may or may not be welcome, if what you wanted was a performative response and not a functional response.

I do functional vocalizations just fine. You want to know how things work, how to get something done, why something is the way it is, I’ll tell you. All you have to do is ask. Case in point, the miscreant that put an end to my three-year record of not catching anything communicable (might even have been longer, I don’t remember when I was sick last) came downstairs this morning and said “I’m sorry I got Mom so sick.”

This statement was responded to by my detailing out how we were going to avoid committing the same mistake in the future. Getting different masks for them to wear. Talking about hand sanitizing, safe distancing, etcetera. For this I was rounded castigated for having no feelings. I have feelings, I just don’t pay much attention to them. If they had just come up and asked for or given me a hug, they would have gotten the comfort they wanted. Words are not comfort objects, they are information carriers. It pays to remember this fact when indirectly asking me for comfort.

Functional vs. Performative vocalizations. They really only wanted to hear me say “it’s okay” even when it (getting us all sick) isn’t okay. It’s not okay, and I never even thought about saying that. I’m broken, I know.

Gesundheit

The sun comes up and I start sneezing uncontrollably. Five, six times in repetition. Now, I can’t see the sunlight, but the sun is just coming up as I look out the window.

I’ve been sitting in the same place for hours now. No sneezing. The only thing that has changed is the sun is coming up. This isn’t the first time I’ve been hit with these sneeze attacks while sitting at my desk working or loafing. Suddenly, seemingly from out of nowhere, I’m hit with the urge to sneeze my brains out for a good four or five minutes.

I know that the sunlight hitting you for the first time can cause you to sneeze. I’ve heard of that condition before. Never heard of the sun coming up, your not seeing it, and it causing you to sneeze. Is the sun evil and must it be stopped, or is it the mold that hates me reacting to the sunlight? I think I’ll go for the latter explanation. I’ll go for it right after I go for a generic Claritin and Guaifenesin. The sneezing must be stopped first.

Pixel Problems

More from the ongoing saga of trying to stay connected to friends and family in the dog eat dog capitalist hellhole that is modern day America.

When we last checked in on our cellphone adventurers, they had given up on Tinging it on the cheap and had switched to T-Mobile:

Meanwhile the Wife had grown tired of the endless bitching about LG phones and had demanded that the author of these missives go out and get himself a phone that he liked instead of a phone that the cellphone carriers wanted to give him. So he bought himself a Pixel 3XL. The power buttons being the weak link of failure on three subsequent Nexus phones was not enough to make him give up on Google as a hardware vendor. Always a stalwart Googler, he was determined to go down with the proverbial Google ship.

One might be tempted to think that the doom that lay in store for him might have been avoided had he simply not taken up Pokémon Go and the similarly mapped game from Niantic named Ingress, but the truth is that the doom was unavoidable. It was unavoidable because he really wanted that Pixel 6 and the place to get Pixels was not T-Mobile but Google Fi. The Pixel 3XL just couldn’t keep up with informational demands. It logged itself out of everything when not in focus, generally forcing a complete restart every time a previously opened app was brought back into focus. It was too old, too slow. It needed to be a Pixel with a bigger number next to it.

Our intrepid adventurer discovered (Oh shiny!) that he could get a Pixel 5a for free if he simply signed up for Google Fi. Thus his doom was sealed, because the Pixel 5a, while equipped with a very fine camera, was prone to overheating every time he turned it on and tried to play any online game, listen to a podcast and used the camera all at the same time. Three simultaneous activities that were bound to occur at least twenty times a day on any given day.

If there is one thing more maddening than having to restart your phone every time you want to change apps, it is your phone telling you to turn it off or it might catch fire in your hand, metaphorically speaking, every time you use the camera. Every time you use the camera, not just those times that you are using the camera, listening to a podcast and playing a game simultaneously.

The adventurer sought the advice of many wise sages, none of which had anything of merit to say on the subject:

Your phone can get warm if you:

* Play media, like stream shows over Wi-Fi or 5G, or play downloaded videos.
* Make video calls.
* Record high definition videos.
* Tether your phone or use it as a Wi-Fi hotspot.
* Download or upload a lot of data over a mobile data or Wi-Fi connection.
* Do any of the above while your phone charges.

To keep your phone from getting too hot:

* Keep your phone away from excessive heat, like inside a hot vehicle or outside in direct sunlight.
* Don’t leave your phone in enclosed or poorly ventilated areas, like layers, small pockets, or bags.
* Keep your phone in the open air.
* Use only cases or covers made for your specific phone.
* Reduce your phone’s display brightness

Tip: You can remove the case until your phone cools down.
If possible, use Wi-Fi instead of mobile data.
Learn more about how to help keep your Pixel phone from feeling too warm or hot.

How your phone protects itself

Your phone may start to limit some functions when it senses that it’s too hot. It could slow down, turn off your camera’s flash or camera, or partially or fully turn off your mobile data or Wi-Fi, including 5G.

If your phone’s temperature continues to rise, it could show a warning and turn off. The phone turns off to keep you and your phone safe. If your phone turns off, let it cool down and restart it.

Indeed, the phone did shut itself off. Many times. In desperation, the adventurer appealed to the gods of the Google Fi support line who granted him the boon of a second Pixel 5a. Both of them shut themselves off after filming videos that were longer than sixty seconds. They both grew very hot (over 110° F) to the touch. An unacceptable performance spec for any device that is presented for use as a video platform. In despair the adventurer turned to the open market and purchased a Pixel 7 at the low, low price of his own soul and the blood of his firstborn child. The Wife and the Daughter are going to be pissed at the cost.

Meanwhile there is a lonely engineer locked in a cubicle farm somewhere that foretold all of this in a scroll that he composed many years ago while testing the hardware that went on to become the Pixel 5a. “The camera produces too much excess heat. Recommend that we use a different camera.” The floor of his cell would probably be permanently stained with the tears of his regret if he hadn’t been so well compensated by the Google gods for his life of endless toil in that forlorn place.

Our adventurer can smile as he sets off on his daily journey now, as long as he doesn’t think too hard about the missing child and the soon to be missing wife, who will go in search of the Google gods in order to slay them and return said daughter. The doghouse will be cold at night, but at least our adventurer will have entertainment while he slowly freezes to death.

The dog’s not very happy about sharing his space.

I’m baaack. (11/28) finally feel up to writing again.

Sweeney Todd

I’m now solidly into my third year of giving myself haircuts rather than trusting someone else to not give me a communicable disease while trying to cut my hair, much less kill me under the guise of giving me a haircut.

I didn’t even know there was a thing called Sweeney Todd until I sat down and watched it with the Wife a few years before COVID struck:

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)

I had waited long enough to watch it by that point. It starred Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, I really did need to see it even if the subject matter itself made me want to run away and hide. I don’t remember a thing about that movie. Not one moment aside from the blood shooting everywhere in a couple of scenes.

I can still remember how the barber in my hometown used to love to torment me with the buzzing clippers. I never got used to other people touching my hair, much less letting them near me with a straight razor. The one time a barber used one on me it was all I could do to stop myself from running away from the man who was just trying to clean up my hairline. Then I became aware that Sweeney Todd was a thing. Now I can’t stop thinking about him when I think about letting someone else cut my hair.

Yes, I screwed up my sideburns again. At least I won’t cut my own throat with the clippers.

Tinnitus

That cat has tinnitus.

It’s pronounced TIN-ni-tus because it is persistent tones heard in the ear when no environmental sounds are present. It’s not pronounced tin-NYE-tus because, if it were, your tin would be inflamed.

Tin smelters (Or cats. -ed.) can have tin-NYE-tus. The rest of us have TIN-ni-tus.

There is no known treatment for tinnitus. There are methods to train yourself to ignore it, and there are ways to masque it, but the ringing is something you learn to live with one way or another. People will try to sell you on treatments. My advice is to save your money.

The trick is to train yourself not to listen to the sounds the tinnitus makes. After as many years as I’ve suffered with this I think I can say pretty authoritatively that not listening to it, reducing it’s importance, even meditating on it to become one with it, is how to cope with it. I definitely don’t listen to it.

Rainymood or some other white noise generator works best when the tinnitus gets painful or impossible to ignore. I’m particularly fond of the sound of the warp engines from Star Trek the Next Generation. There are several multi hour versions of the sounds on YouTube.

reddit, reddit

My tinnitus is basically a ringing that seems to constantly vary in strength and pitch and be in varying tones simultaneously. It fluctuates from day to day, hour to hour. It is the sound of buzzing or ringing. I can hear my heartbeat in it. It seems to reflect environmental noise, so loud places are intolerable for long periods. Ear plugs are a godsend when hyperacusis sets in.

reddit

Hyperacusis

Hyperacusis is basically an audio migraine. All sounds, even quiet sounds, can be painful. Wearing earplugs is about the only way to deal with it successfully and ear plugs can aggravate other types of tinnitus. Hyperacusis can be so bad that the sound of your own breathing can set it off.

Hyperacusis should wind down like the more traditional migraine does. They don’t know what causes any of the things they call migraines, and that is the biggest problem with them. Some part of the brain is misinterpreting the signals that it’s receiving and you get audio problems, vision problems, skin sensitivity problems or vertigo.

I wonder what the more modern epilepsy treatments would do for it?

Sudden Brief Unilateral Tapering Tinnitus (Otology & Neurotology)

SBUTTs are benign and common among most people. I’m still looking at the literature on the subject, but I see little to be concerned about in it even if it occurs frequently.

I get these at weird times. Possibly more frequently than I did before, but also possibly not. I haven’t noticed that they are linked to spells of vertigo or hearing loss myself, although the sudden spikes that disappear do make me worry about an attack. The worry is probably more of a concern than the SBUTT should be. Worry and street go hand in hand and stress is a major trigger.

reddit

American Tinnitus Association

If you run the slider up and down on this Tone Generator you can find which specific tones that you can or cannot hear. I get a distinct doppler effect as the tone pass through ranges that I can’t hear in one ear or the other. Bit of a freaky experience.

If you want to understand what the effects of hearing loss or tinnitus sounds like to others, hear-it.org has a list of sound files that approximates them. I can’t judge the accuracy since I can’t hear them normally anyway.

reddit

A hodgepodge of comments spliced together from numerous places over the span of a decade. Steven Novella inspired this being posted today with his pithy comment about the pronunciation of tinnitus in yesterday’s episode of the SGU. Since I mispronounce this word frequently myself, I decided to riff on the subject. Featured image.

A Vimeo Sandpit Tale

I wanted to post a simple comment on this video:

YouTube – The Sandpit (Vimeo)

That video is on YouTube. The original video link that I followed was for Vimeo. The Sandpit is a cool little short film that won awards a decade ago. Like most things on the internet, access to the data about the film gets spotty after a few years and the link in the information bar under the video points to a now-defunct blog. I wanted to let everyone know that the content was preserved on the Wayback Machine.

It is shot on a Nikon D3 (and one shot on a D80), as a series of stills. I used my Tamron 17-50mm f/2.8 and Sigma 50-150mm f/2.8 lenses for all of these shots. Most were shot at 4fps in DX crop mode, which is the fastest the D3 could continuously write out to the memory card. The boats had slower frame rates, and the night shots used exposures up to two seconds each. The camera actually has an automatic cut off after 130 shots, so for longer shots I counted each click and quickly released and re-pressed the shutter release after 130 to keep shooting.

I did some initial tests a while back using a rented 24mm tilt-shift lens, which is the standard way to do this. However, after my tests, I found it made much more sense to do this effect in post, rather than in camera. Shooting tilt-shift requires a tripod, as it is very hard to stabilise afterwards, and gives less flexibility in the final look. I opted to shoot it on normal lenses, which allowed me options in the depth of field and shot movement in post. I used a tripod for the night shots, and my Gorillapod (which is much more portable) where possible, but many locations—like hanging over the edge of a roof or through a gap in fencing on a bridge– had to be shot hand held, and the inevitable wobble removed afterwards.

archive.org/aerofilm

I successfully linked the interview location on YouTube because I have access to my YouTube account, it’s linked to my Google account. I could not get logged into my Vimeo account. I spent several hours that night going through my old passwords, updating some, deleting the ones for dead websites that I ran across, but I never did managed to get logged on to Vimeo. The best I could do was find some cryptic-assed note about the account being blocked.

So I wrote them a note.

The unhelpful warning about needing to log in before contacting you is kind of pointless. I can’t log in because the email address that I use is flagged as having violated some rule or other. I can’t imagine what rule that could be since I’ve never uploaded a damn thing to Vimeo in my life. I’d really like to know why my email address has been blocked from having an account on Vimeo. It’s been my address since there was a Gmail to have addresses at. Please. Enlighten me.

A few days later, they responded.

Unfortunately, your account fits within our spam categorization and isn’t permitted on Vimeo.

We wish you the best of luck in finding a hosting platform better suited to your needs.

I’ve heard fuck you said better before, even with more words involved in the directive. This sounds like a challenge that I’m up for.

This sort of response is exactly the kind of throw-down that gets lawsuits started. You did not answer my question. I have never posted anything to Vimeo, so how can my email address be associated with spam? To make those kinds of accusations you have to have proof and I’d really like to see the proof that you are making your judgements on. This should be an easy question to answer considering you can high-handedly declare that I don’t fit on the Vimeo platform. Prove this assertion.

They, of course, did not answer the question a second time.

Your account has been suspended because our system has detected some unusual characteristics.
 
For security purposes we cannot discuss the details of our security measures. Additionally, when accounts are suspended for these reasons we are unable to reconsider the status of the account.
 
From our Terms of Service: “Vimeo may suspend, disable, or delete your account (or any part thereof) or block or remove any content you submitted if Vimeo determines that you have violated any provision of this Agreement or that your conduct or content would tend to damage Vimeo’s reputation and goodwill. If Vimeo deletes your account for the foregoing reasons, you may not re-register for the Vimeo Service. Vimeo may block your email address and Internet protocol address to prevent further registration.”
 
Please refrain from opening any additional accounts as these may be terminated without notice. As this is our final decision, we will be unable to respond to additional messages about this matter.
 
We apologize for any inconvenience and we wish you the best of luck in finding a hosting platform better suited to your needs.

Ouija Boards. That must be what they are using. It certainly can’t be my own history on Vimeo. I created the account and linked to a couple of videos on the blog. I might have written a comment or two. Maybe. I don’t know because I can’t see my own history on Vimeo, a thing that pisses me off more than wasting several hours trying to log into the website in the first place.

If I’ve burned a bridge like the one they claim I burned, I should have a memory of that scorching somewhere to recon with. There is no memory, so this has to be some bullshit on their part. I simply can’t prove it.

For all you know I have a thousand different accounts already, all posting whatever the fuck I feel like. You can’t tell and that probably scares the crap out of you and your lawyers. All I want is the ban to be lifted for this email address, a ban placed for no good reason that even you are willing to defend. If I had money (and if Vimeo wasn’t a third-rate YouTube wannabe) I’d already be talking to an attorney about fixing this problem and then you’d have to tell me what it was that you so mysteriously can’t tell me right now without an attorney at my side. As it stands, all I can say is “Sell to Google while you still can.” That would be the smart move.

Postscript

I can no more say why they reinstated my account on Vimeo than I can say why they blocked my account on Vimeo. In any case, my account has been reinstated even if I can’t make a comment on the video in question still. No idea why that is, I’m not even the only person to add a comment within the last year. When I try to add the comment that YouTube gave not one shit about, Vimeo logs me out and forces me to change my password again.

In reviewing my history on Vimeo I was unable to find anything that I might have done on Vimeo that could have gotten the account blocked. Anything at all that I’d done ever aside from follow some accounts. Now this means that either they deleted my account’s history because it got hacked, or I’ve actually never done anything. Either of those cases could be true. I don’t care which one is true, I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t an old password that I left lying around that was causing the problem. It was definitely not worth the time investment from that perspective. Qualitative fuckoff superiority satisfaction, though? Very high.

Atelodemiourgiopapyrophobia

Atelodemiourgiopapyrophobia – the fear of imperfect creative activity on paper.

Word origins: ‘Atelo‘ from Greek ateles literally ‘without end’, meaning incomplete, inchoate, imperfect. ‘Demiourgio‘ from Greek ‘demiourgia’ literally workmanship, handicraft, meaning creative activity. ‘Papyro‘ from Middle English / from Old French papier / from Latin papȳrus, papyrus plant, papyrus paper / from Greek papūros.

robwqueen.com

I know, it is rather a mouthful, isn’t it? A friend and I have looked high and low to find a proper term for a fear of ruining a blank page. We have found fear of blank paper (vacansopapurosophobia), fear of imperfection (atelophobia),  fear of ruin (atephobia) and fear of failure (atychiphobia), but none quite describes it perfectly.

What am I talking about exactly? I’m talking about the fear of ruining a beautiful, pristine, blank piece of paper. The fear that so many of us seem to face as we stare down at that first intimidating page in a brand new journal or sketch-book, sitting there so full of amazing potential of what ‘could be’; that is, until we make that first stroke of a pen, the first sweep of a brush. Not one, single mistake lies between cover and cover yet: its perfect. The things that could potentially rest on those pristine sheets are the things dreams are made of – until we actually write or draw in it and stuff it all up with a misplaced squiggle or a crossed out word.

archive.org/katjohnston.com

The beef? I hate it when obscure references disappear like this one did. A hat/tip is owed to the Wayback Machine once again. If it hadn’t have been there I would have had to personally go knock on Kat Johnston’s door just to find out what the fuck she was talking about back in 2008 because Rob Queen fucking teased me with half an answer on his blog in 2018 and now her website is just a marketing platform for her artwork and not literary at all.

Neither of them appear to write anymore. Apparently Atelodemiourgiopapyrophobia got the best of both of them.

I’m almost caught up on leasticoulddo.com

Why is Postmaster Louis DeJoy Still a Thing?

Why is Louis DeJoy still Postmaster General? He appears to have conspired with Donald Trump in his attempt to scuttle the 2020 election by destroying mail sorting machines in the middle of a pandemic that had us all relying on the Post Office in a way we hadn’t seen in generations.

Now he’s cutting services and closing Post Offices again, and I don’t understand why he’s still in his job and not up on charges of conspiracy, treason, money laundering, whatever. If he was a friend of Trump, appointed by Trump, he’s dirty. Why does he still have a job that isn’t picking up trash by the roadside in an orange jumpsuit?

I’d really like an answer to this question.

Sent to the White House

The Postal Service had been set to purchase as many as 165,000 vehicles from Oshkosh Defense, of which 10 percent would have been electric under the original procurement plan. Now it will acquire 50,000 trucks from Oshkosh, half of which will be EVs. It will also buy another 34,500 commercially available vehicles, with sufficient electric models to make 4 in 10 trucks in its delivery fleet zero-emission vehicles.

The announcement comes after 16 states, the District of Columbia, and four of the nation’s top environmental groups sued the mail agency in the spring to prevent the original purchase plan, or compel it to buy more electric trucks. Activists at a minimum want the Postal Service’s fleet to consist of at least 75 percent EVs, though the agency’s Office of Inspector General found that 95 percent of delivery routes are suitable for electrification.

washingtonpost.com

That is still not enough of a concession on your part Mr. DeJoy. You are yet another unindicted co-conspirator in the coup attempt. I will not forget the fact that I was forced to go out and vote in person in November of 2020 because you slowed the mails down to the point where I couldn’t be sure a mail-in ballot would be received and counted. You forced me to risk my life in order to do my basic duty as a citizen of the United States. I will never forget you or your crimes.

Lying Phones

I sent a random text to a random stranger. In response I get this message:

I’m driving with Do Not Disturb While Driving turned on. I’ll see your message when I get where I’m going.

(I’m not receiving notifications. If this is urgent, reply “urgent” to send a notification through with your original message.)

We’ve all seen this message a few times now from iPhone users, the not helpful at all lie from holier than though iZombies who can’t be bothered while they are driving. If this person is like the other people who do this, then it would be more accurate to say something like the following:

I’m ignoring distractions while driving. You should thank me for this because I am normally an example of short attention span theater. Unfortunately for you I will forget to check messages when I get where I am going. You can text again, but you will only get this annoying message again. You can try the mystical “urgent” reply if you want. Good luck with that.

You might try emailing me next, but my inbox has in excess of forty thousand unread messages in it and the chances of me seeing your insignificant note are somewhere between slim and none. Again, you can try marking the message urgent but there are probably ten thousand of those unread in my inbox. My apologies for the insult and inconvenience of attempting to get my attention.

If you would like to actually communicate with me you will need to call me. One call will not be enough because I won’t pick up the phone the first time and my voicemail inbox is full since it won’t let me store unnumbered messages the way my email inbox does. You will need to call at random times for at least two days in order to get my attention. Again, I apologize for the insult and inconvenience of this effort you have embarked on.

If you ever do get to talk to me be assured that it will make your day, for I am the golden radiance that makes the day worth living for all of the people who speak to me. Please be patient and surprise me with a phone call when I’m not talking to another supplicant of your standing. We do thank you for your patience and wish you good luck in your other endeavors for you will likely have none here.

Yeah. Something more like that.

(24 carat gold iPhone? Yeah, that’s a thing.)