Migraines are kicking my ass. Have been kicking my ass for all of January so far. At least it’s not rotational vertigo, that is even harder to manage. I’ve gone through this sort of thing several times since 2003. I think I’ve got the pattern down and then, Wham! It hits me again. Migraines. Tinnitus. Vertigo. Then I reassess and I get back up and try again. Get back up and try again as soon as you are able. That is the hard part.
I’ve been puttering around the house for the last month. Every time I go out for a walk I get a migraine. I’m pretty sure it’s Austin’s notorious cedar fever that is getting me now, which is weird since I didn’t have a cedar allergy last time I checked. I got new masks to see if it filtered enough of the pollen, but no. So I’m stuck cooling my heels indoors for the duration. I’m about to start chewing on the furniture.
The belief that you have found the pattern is where the error lies. That you were actually symptom free for the span between attacks. Little things pop up, but they are little things, things you can cope with. You can cope with them until you can’t, and then you start trying to see what you did wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong, you have a chronic illness.
It isn’t karma or luck or moxie or mojo or any other version of magical thinking. Your physical form torments you because it is flawed in some undefinable way and it’s not your fault it’s just how you were made. This is categorically unfair and it is proof that the universe and unjust and unfair. That there is no god and if there is one he is a sadistic bastard.
Got it all wrong, holy man. I absolutely believe in God… And I absolutely hate the fucker.
Riddick, Pitch Black
Tell the universe to fuck off and get back up and live anyway. It’s the best answer to the pain.
